Yes, I’ve recovered from my road test humiliation. But a new humilition befell me: the dreaded phone stolen during a drunken bonding pub crawl with some friends. I won’t go into details as it’s not very interesting or unique for a drunken gayboy to lose a phone or jacket or umbrella or bag on a barhopping adventure. I was just sad that yet again I didn’t find a cute boy to kiss. I spent Memorial day hung over, phoneless and manless. I don’t think Mama would be proud. Especially since she has secretly been hoping for me to establish partnership with a nice ‘nubian’ man and needling my sister for details of this phantom relationship. It’s all very strange. Then my mind wonders to the Ocean Ave South Beach breeze and I just know I’ll find someone to get me all hot and bothered (not too bothered because I’m ornery and cops may need to be involved, I grew up in the ghetto South…don’t try me bitches). Anyway, I’m just rambling now and sleepy after watching a subpar gay comedy on Heretv and feel sad because the lame lead character got the hot ex-closeted guy with the mesh football jersey spouting poorly written dialogue…but still I’m jealous. And alone….and 30 lbs overweight…and peniless. The Bulgarian says you are never poor if you have love and the basics. But that chick hadn’t been to my shack back in Bama in the 1990s. So I’ll disregard her pie in the sky anecdotes and go dream of hot menz.
Well, I failed the road test. I’m not surprised. It took Chinese fried chicken wings with french fries, a pint of Haagen Daas Rocky Road ice cream and a tylenol PM to calm me down. I had a good instructor and can parallel park and three point turn like there’s no tomorrow. It’s my observation skills that need a little work. So I failed. But it’s not over. Florida’s driving test should be easier. And, unlike my driver’s ed course 15 years ago, I didn’t almost hit a cat. That’s a step up, right? Don’t judge me!
It was perilous driving lesson today. I think my driving instructor has had it with me. I know how to parallel park and three point turn but I always overthink it. When I stopped overthinking it, I made the straightest parallel park known to him…so he says. Then then the three point turn came to me in a foggy dream and called out to me, “Do it, you idiot!”. I’m petrified of the road test because I can’t seem to calm down when it comes to parking. Driving doesn’t bother me but parking does. Anybody can stop at a stop sign but who can get within 8 inches of the curb in parallel parking. I wonder how strict my road test administer will be. Will she flunk me? Will she hit me with her clip board and throw me from the moving car? Will I ever recover? Stay tuned folks.
My apartment is so empty that I wanted to cry. To calm my heart, I ate a pint of breyers chocolate ice cream from the Family Dollar Store. It didn’t do much for my diet but it was sinfully delicious. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Sunday started out grand. The buyers were finally biting again. I got a buyer right away for the portable AC. I was weired out when I called back the number and they didn’t know who he was but I think he used a different email name than his real name. I would have been intrigued by the intrigue but I just wanted the damn thing out. Some cute guy dressed in doctor’s scrubs showed up and after asking a ridiculous amount of questions and having me plug it up and run exhaust in my living room, he bought the thing. Then later an Alabamian couple showed up. The only bought my bamboo place matts but at least they were pleasant. They just moved here 3 days ago. Oh, to have the freshness of the first NYC smog in my lungs to wisk me away to days of yore. I can’t wait to get on the beach bitches!
My driving lesson went 100% better than I thought it would. My driving instructor was very patient and calm. I was not. I was shaking like a NYC chihuahua on a January walk. Still I persevered. I kept driving through stop signs. I paid close attention to the stop lights but glossed over the stop signs just as regular NYC drivers do. I better get on board. Only 5 days til my driving test. I can’t wait though because I want to get it over with. I just can’t believe that I drove as well as I did. I forgive my driving instructor for being 15 minutes late but I don’t forgive him for making me park in some random lot that had the narrowest parking spaces I’ve ever seen. I’m surprised the car even fit. Still, on to the next lesson (a double lesson). I’m almost sure I’ll be parallel parking my way to hell. Wish me luck kiddies!
I’ve been dealing with Craigslist again. I want to say that things are slightly better but the morons who just bought my bed frame need their IQs checked. First, I asked listed the bed as best offer with a price but still they decided to ask me how much to pay. I should have said 2,000 euros and see if they would go to the money exchange. Then they asked me how many trips they would have to take to load the unassembled frame. I should have said “If you’re an octopus, 1 trip. If not, 8 trips.” Then they asked me if I had a dresser to sell them even though it wasn’t listed in the ad. I had a bridge I could sell them but I’m sure they don’t want it. They also asked what other items I had for sale. Of course all those items were listed in the same posting as the bed and have been for 2 weeks but any one could have missed it. Helen Keller…Stevie Wonder…anyone. I still have a few items left to sell but I think I have to request that they take both a street smarts test and IQ test before I can give them my number and address. Otherwise, I going to snap. Just wanted to share.
The Bulgarian has grown on me. No, I don’t mean like a lung-eating mold but more like a barnacle, which is harmless. She treated me and my coworker to lunch today. I was very excited to chump down on my take-out chili con carne burrito and tortilla chips. However, as always, her overbearing nature took over. She wanted desserts and we were to have desserts with her or else. So I walked down to Bread Factory to get her requested pastries to avoid the wrath of my scary Armenian one. Unfortunately, it’s been raining all day but she somehow felt perturbed that I had gotten her papers wet when I sat the bag down on her desk. Still, it was nice of her to treat us to the forced lunch per her tradition. Still, I’m petrified of her and I plan to buy mace before last day. I must state, in her defense, that the canoli was delicious.